When I read Perez Hilton, my brain freezes up. When I read McSweeney's, it thaws out.
I should spend less time curious about the wealthy and underfed.
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As a concerned citizen devoted to the advancement and continued improvement of American society, I hereby promise to publicly declare the state of my breasts everyday, as well as detail any interesting going-ons directly and indirectly related to my bountiful mammary resources.
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